Abbey of Gethsemani - 2

This Retreat is liberating because I don't need to think about making impressions on people - with my appearance or attire or conversation. It seems everyone is turned inward into themselves so they don’t really experience me, just as I don’t experience them. When I see other people at prayer or at meals or just walking in the public spaces, they are faceless to me like the monks in their robes. I am free from having to see or hear or speak to them or indeed in any way acknowledge them; they merely coexist. Interestingly, this dimming of the senses to the outward seems to sharpen the inward focus, because here there is no possible excuse to evade introspection. Not only has the abbey caused me to shed the persona I don in order to present myself to the world, I seem also to have dropped a protective layer from the being I present to myself. Everything seems to be a little bit closer to the surface. A number of times during this day a mere memory from the past has made my eyes well up… as if the sadness or loss were closer or more recent than it is. So, in a way I feel strong and invincible; and at the same time, in a different way, I am more exposed and vulnerable.

While yesterday was wet and it rained on and off, today is dry and windy. I saw a few swirling snowflakes earlier in the day. After lunch, I go for a winding walk in the woods across the road. The biting chill penetrates my several layers of clothing, making my eyes water, my nose run and my hands turn numb despite their gloves. The gently rolling hills near the abbey, the woods and lake beyond them and the colorless dome of sky overcast with ominous dark clouds remind me of Hardy’s England with a sense of brewing drama... but perhaps I am being fanciful and it is probably just a gentle Kentucky landscape!